"i know where i wanna go in my life, and it always seems to lead to you because you are where i want to be. i am going crazy.." - crys

*sigh*

argh... so today, the littlest things reminded me of the existence of karma. so yea, i kno last year was horrible, but nothing really major happened to me i suppose. besides some drama here and there with boys, but i suppose it's unavoidable. so as this year jus begins to develop, i'm surrounded by lil pains and heartbreaks. i see everyone enjoying how their lives are going so far and how content they are with everything... but now, all the shit i did last year are starting to come back at me, but starting really small... sure, i've been surrounded by my closest friends down here, but iono... seeing them all happy with their lives kinda is worse than being bored and alone in my room all day. *shrug* so, starting today, i gotta watch my back and i gotta stop doing stupid things... cuz i kno, all these little things are jus gonna start getting bigger until something BIG happens... and i'd rather not see that happen... ARGH. i'm quite pissed and irritated, so tomorrow... [well, today] i'm gonna spend some quality time with the only guy that i kno will take care of me for a lonnnng time... my baby jay. my car. heh... yes, i'm a loser... but i'm gonna do a quick detail to relieve some stress... bah.

by the way, butterfly effect is a bomb movie... well, for what i saw of it at least... since i did miss like almost 30 minutes of it... argh...

and i'd jus like to note that dom likes them [and i quote] "fresh and related to my ex-girlfriend." yes...

Position Available:
Date needed for Kababayan's Semi-Formal.

Requirements:
- CAN DANCE
- preferably male of asian/latin decent but open
- stylish and looks good dressed up [mmmhmm]
- good hygiene [duh]. I like polo sport & agua digio
- willing to be around 100+ Filipinos, some very inebriated
- 18/19 - 22 years old
- no shorter that 5'3", no taller than 6' [maybe, haha...]
- not camera shy
- able to be in Irvine on Feb 27, 2004
- good personality, not an ass. easy to talk to and get along with
- gotta be drug free around me [!!!!]

Benefits:
- free dinner
- free tour of orange county
- free accomodations
- a free night of fun with yours truly
- copies of pictures taken
- get to see me in a dress firsthand [haha]
- you'd make me happy if u came.

...if no one can go with me, i might have to take mara ...

actually, i don't really feel like goin anymore... *shrug* we'll see...

so from a day that goes totally  to today which is very ...  wOo.  i love everyone again.  *girly giggle*  hahaha...  eww~~!  random acts of kindness.  who would've thought that's all i neeeded?   i am content with life once again and reassured of my place here.  thank you $0.99 donator and random emailer.    you kno who you guys are.  AH!  i feel so good.  oh yea, and my roommate gave me her food, and drea did my hair.  AND i saw mara in her underwear...  UH OH.  lol.  WOO.  oh happy day!  

that once strong adrienne that used to exist is now gone and has reverted back to her selfless being, existing only wishing to make someone else happy.

today, when greg and i arrived at school, he mentioned how he jus had the feeling that it was gonna be a bad day... i doubted him and had faith in the possibilities even tho i had similar feelings... if only i knew that i'd end up crying for who knows why... one of my greatest fears: lonliness.

i don't care how many people can tell me that i'm really not alone and that i've got friends here and there... who out there are really close enough to me to tell me that? no one. not anymore. everyone i grew to trust wit all my heart and told every little secret to has left my life or turned their back on me.

after school, i jus had this big feeling of jus down-ness. i didn't feel myself at all. i felt like pieces of me were gone... i went the whole day jus doin my routine... not really fully there... kinda normal for me at school i suppose... iono why i felt down really... it jus hit me. i spent some time with greg and makana jus kickin it and what not... i still felt it but tried to let it go...

i have no one who loves me. i know that there's a few friends out there that tell me that they love me... but it's not what i'm looking for right now... it's like everywhere i look, there's a freakin happy couple... makana has a new boi. michelle has her longtime lover. melanie is cheery. sean is content again. and what bout me? i love someone that doesn't show anything to me anymore... i feel like i've lost everything i ever depended on... i depended on crystal. she left. i depended on chris. i messed it up. i try to start new friendships but i jus end up right where i started. doubting. GOD, i feel like all the happiness i had this time last year jus drifted out to sea...

you kno, i have all this free time on my hands... i planned my schedule in such a way to accomodate work or even a certain someone... anyone... instead, i have those 4 or so days all to me and my thoughts. no matter how much i try to distract myself, i can't help going to bed and longing for more... longing for his arms around me... i don't kno anymore... i can't do anything i used to be able to do so easily... i can't even make a simple wallpaper or anything creative... my mom was suprised to hear me call before 9... and honestly, i didn't even think about my minutes because it's not like anyone calls me anymore... and it's not even like i have anyone to talk to either... *sigh* i'm just a leaf drifting on this river... trying to chase after the happiness that was cast away so long ago...

you kno what hurts the most? EVERYTHING i see reminds me of him... EVERYWHERE i go, i think back to the days i spent with him... i can't even look at my own reflection...

 oOh what's this?  yes, my friends, it's a new webpage location...
http://flair.matrixflux.com

What if we were wrong about each other?
What if you were really meant for me?
What if we were supposed to be together?
Would that not mean anything?
What if that was supposed to be my house that u go home to every day?
How can u be sure that things are better...
If you can't be sure your heart ain't still here with me
Still wanting me

Babyface - What If

From chantal's bLog even tho she found it somewhere else. =P but yes... how better to sum up how i feel...

"you know, inspite of everything, i still love him. and you know, i'd like nothing more than to love him and be here for him, all his life, if he'd let me. for all the problems and heartaches of coupledom, i'd still choose it anyday over being single. its lonely being like this, wishing that you still mattered to someone even when you dont have to mean that much. maybe im cynical most days because i think i can brainwash myself into believing i'm over him and am better off without him and maybe its probably just my way of dealing and coping with all these. i've never felt emptier. it's really weird but when you think about it, every relationship you've had with someone you love is worth rescuscitating. even God doesnt give up on us, crazy and undeserving lot that we are..."

Power Rangers Movie!


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla

interesting...

so here i am... 2:45am and my mind's racing... so many thoughts to share... yet so little to say... so i guess u could say that i've been in and out of depression for the past few weeks if not months... here's a basic rundown of how 03 ended and how 04 began...

sept 8, 2003. a day i'll never forget. i lost the love of my life. things had changed. i cried my eyes out because i knew it would never be the same again. mike came to my side and did his best to comfort me, and it helped... i could go home and continue my facade, as if nothing happened... my heart ached. my body felt uneasy. i wanted to be back with him so bad, but i knew that we both had to change our ways to make it work... *sigh*

goin back to irvine. sept 26 - oct 31. so by the end of september, i decided that my life needs to begin again... startin school. gotta do well. pull my shit together. i met someone. through a twist of fate and through some messed up connections, we were quite the item. october was the test. october 11, a day that my world began to crumble once again. the X and the current collided. still a secret, but i was the middle. i had to choose. neither knew. i tried to keep everything together.. but i guess i wasn't strong enough. it slipped. x found out. BOOM. drama wit x. drama wit current. tears. thought everything was gone. i thought i lost both of them... one came around... the current. october 18. my birthday, and by far, the worst birthday ever. what i expected was for everyone to get together and have a good time... instead, what'd i get. scattered groups. DRAMA. tears. nas [yum]. i'd rather not remember that night. i saw different sides of people. i learned. i grew. october 19, 2003. current became the bf. i thought i found the one to make my life feel complete. the one i'd been searching for. i thought it was destiny that brought us together. jus look at the old pictures... how could anyone not mistake it for that? destiny, i guess, doesn't exist in love. towards the end of october, things were still fresh and good. but things are always good in the beginning... of course...

november - december. by the one month, he had already said the 3 words. i kno i meant it when i said it back, but was it real love, or jus the love u share with a friend? i still don't kno. i was blind. i didn't let myself see beyond the sweet words and occasional right actions. i didn't see the side that i would grow to hate... i swore to myself never to fall for someone so into a "substance." a fake sense of reality. a social act. whatever u wanna call it. but i ignored it. we celebrated our one month. i was happy. i truly was. still blind tho... still blind. after the first month... i saw the problems. he stressed. i stressed. i would question what was up wit him. nothing was the answer or he wouldn't wanna talk about it. too often have i had to deal with the guys who weren't willing to put their hearts in my hand and trust me to be there to listen. i'm there for you. always. no matter what. through think and thin. as friends or more. as enemies or companions. forever. i promise... long distance relationship = communication. and DAMN, if u can't even communicate with me... than why try? don't stress me cuz it'll jus turn right back on u. so on things went... i didn't wanna confront it cuz i jus wanted to be happy. and i'll be honest, he did make me happy... [sorry for the scattered thoughts] by mid december, he decided to take a lil personal break from me... of course i questioned. of course i didn't get answers... my patience grew thin. i didn't need any of that bs. 2 months into the relationship, and he decided to take a break?! yea, cuz that means it's a healthy relationship. *sigh* i didn't give up on him... i wanted to be able to look past his faults... but damn... [weed jus gets in the way, don't it?] maybe i made the mistake for falling for him in the first place... i do blame myself for this... december 29. it ended. i broke his heart. tears...

january. so here it begins. i started the year off badly to say the least. single and now unemployed... at least my grades are up, right? ha... if only that could make me happy... it's jus a problem i don't have to think bout... *sigh* i kno i'm not alone... but my heart cries out for that one who i kno can make me happy... i jus wanna see him try again... but i guess i'm all out of second chances... this holiday season jus took the cake for the worst ever... and u kno what? 2003 jus sucked. it started so well too...

To whom it may concern:
i'm sorry for all of the events that have happened, especially those around October of 2003. i'm sorry to the one with the broken heart. i'm sorry to all the friends i lost. i'm sorry to the second family i let go of. i'm sorry for not realizing the consequences of my actions. i'm sorry for persuing something that wasn't right from the beginning. i'm sorry for hurting you. i'm sorry for making u believe that u can't trust me. i'm sorry for causing so much drama. i'm sorry for changing your opinions of me. i'm sorry for it all. i've learned my lessons. i've grown. i miss you guys so much... i love you and i'm sorry. please accept this apology.

Sincerely,
Adrienne

To you,
who could have seen this coming? i sure didn't. i thought i could see forever with u. i thought i could see living my life with you by my side. i thought what we had was true and that fate brought us together. maybe fate did bring us together... but not for love, but for a lesson. i did love you, in one way or another. u did make me happier than u'll ever kno. i did give u my all, even for such a short amount of time. to you, i apologize as well. i'm sorry it had to end this way. i'm sorry for hurting you. i'm sorry for making u think that i gave up on you. i'm sorry and i accept the blame. i accept the consequences, and i accept the fact that u'll forever deny that i existed... i can accept that... i'm sure as hell gonna miss you tho... u'll forever be in my heart.

With love,
Adrienne

to everyone that did brighten my spirits this break even jus the slightest bit. thank you all so much... sean, vinh, greg, eric, chantal, jeff, chris, chris e., and mara. thank you. i love you guys with all that i am...

this year... i don't wanna have any regrets...

well, what can I say... merry christmas and happy new year... either expect a really long new entry... or no new entries at all for like a month or more...