so here i am... 2:45am and my mind's racing... so many thoughts to share... yet so little to say... so i guess u could say that i've been in and out of depression for the past few weeks if not months... here's a basic rundown of how 03 ended and how 04 began...

sept 8, 2003. a day i'll never forget. i lost the love of my life. things had changed. i cried my eyes out because i knew it would never be the same again. mike came to my side and did his best to comfort me, and it helped... i could go home and continue my facade, as if nothing happened... my heart ached. my body felt uneasy. i wanted to be back with him so bad, but i knew that we both had to change our ways to make it work... *sigh*

goin back to irvine. sept 26 - oct 31. so by the end of september, i decided that my life needs to begin again... startin school. gotta do well. pull my shit together. i met someone. through a twist of fate and through some messed up connections, we were quite the item. october was the test. october 11, a day that my world began to crumble once again. the X and the current collided. still a secret, but i was the middle. i had to choose. neither knew. i tried to keep everything together.. but i guess i wasn't strong enough. it slipped. x found out. BOOM. drama wit x. drama wit current. tears. thought everything was gone. i thought i lost both of them... one came around... the current. october 18. my birthday, and by far, the worst birthday ever. what i expected was for everyone to get together and have a good time... instead, what'd i get. scattered groups. DRAMA. tears. nas [yum]. i'd rather not remember that night. i saw different sides of people. i learned. i grew. october 19, 2003. current became the bf. i thought i found the one to make my life feel complete. the one i'd been searching for. i thought it was destiny that brought us together. jus look at the old pictures... how could anyone not mistake it for that? destiny, i guess, doesn't exist in love. towards the end of october, things were still fresh and good. but things are always good in the beginning... of course...

november - december. by the one month, he had already said the 3 words. i kno i meant it when i said it back, but was it real love, or jus the love u share with a friend? i still don't kno. i was blind. i didn't let myself see beyond the sweet words and occasional right actions. i didn't see the side that i would grow to hate... i swore to myself never to fall for someone so into a "substance." a fake sense of reality. a social act. whatever u wanna call it. but i ignored it. we celebrated our one month. i was happy. i truly was. still blind tho... still blind. after the first month... i saw the problems. he stressed. i stressed. i would question what was up wit him. nothing was the answer or he wouldn't wanna talk about it. too often have i had to deal with the guys who weren't willing to put their hearts in my hand and trust me to be there to listen. i'm there for you. always. no matter what. through think and thin. as friends or more. as enemies or companions. forever. i promise... long distance relationship = communication. and DAMN, if u can't even communicate with me... than why try? don't stress me cuz it'll jus turn right back on u. so on things went... i didn't wanna confront it cuz i jus wanted to be happy. and i'll be honest, he did make me happy... [sorry for the scattered thoughts] by mid december, he decided to take a lil personal break from me... of course i questioned. of course i didn't get answers... my patience grew thin. i didn't need any of that bs. 2 months into the relationship, and he decided to take a break?! yea, cuz that means it's a healthy relationship. *sigh* i didn't give up on him... i wanted to be able to look past his faults... but damn... [weed jus gets in the way, don't it?] maybe i made the mistake for falling for him in the first place... i do blame myself for this... december 29. it ended. i broke his heart. tears...

january. so here it begins. i started the year off badly to say the least. single and now unemployed... at least my grades are up, right? ha... if only that could make me happy... it's jus a problem i don't have to think bout... *sigh* i kno i'm not alone... but my heart cries out for that one who i kno can make me happy... i jus wanna see him try again... but i guess i'm all out of second chances... this holiday season jus took the cake for the worst ever... and u kno what? 2003 jus sucked. it started so well too...

To whom it may concern:
i'm sorry for all of the events that have happened, especially those around October of 2003. i'm sorry to the one with the broken heart. i'm sorry to all the friends i lost. i'm sorry to the second family i let go of. i'm sorry for not realizing the consequences of my actions. i'm sorry for persuing something that wasn't right from the beginning. i'm sorry for hurting you. i'm sorry for making u believe that u can't trust me. i'm sorry for causing so much drama. i'm sorry for changing your opinions of me. i'm sorry for it all. i've learned my lessons. i've grown. i miss you guys so much... i love you and i'm sorry. please accept this apology.

Sincerely,
Adrienne

To you,
who could have seen this coming? i sure didn't. i thought i could see forever with u. i thought i could see living my life with you by my side. i thought what we had was true and that fate brought us together. maybe fate did bring us together... but not for love, but for a lesson. i did love you, in one way or another. u did make me happier than u'll ever kno. i did give u my all, even for such a short amount of time. to you, i apologize as well. i'm sorry it had to end this way. i'm sorry for hurting you. i'm sorry for making u think that i gave up on you. i'm sorry and i accept the blame. i accept the consequences, and i accept the fact that u'll forever deny that i existed... i can accept that... i'm sure as hell gonna miss you tho... u'll forever be in my heart.

With love,
Adrienne

to everyone that did brighten my spirits this break even jus the slightest bit. thank you all so much... sean, vinh, greg, eric, chantal, jeff, chris, chris e., and mara. thank you. i love you guys with all that i am...

this year... i don't wanna have any regrets...