today, when greg and i arrived at school, he mentioned how he jus had the feeling that it was gonna be a bad day... i doubted him and had faith in the possibilities even tho i had similar feelings... if only i knew that i'd end up crying for who knows why... one of my greatest fears: lonliness.

i don't care how many people can tell me that i'm really not alone and that i've got friends here and there... who out there are really close enough to me to tell me that? no one. not anymore. everyone i grew to trust wit all my heart and told every little secret to has left my life or turned their back on me.

after school, i jus had this big feeling of jus down-ness. i didn't feel myself at all. i felt like pieces of me were gone... i went the whole day jus doin my routine... not really fully there... kinda normal for me at school i suppose... iono why i felt down really... it jus hit me. i spent some time with greg and makana jus kickin it and what not... i still felt it but tried to let it go...

i have no one who loves me. i know that there's a few friends out there that tell me that they love me... but it's not what i'm looking for right now... it's like everywhere i look, there's a freakin happy couple... makana has a new boi. michelle has her longtime lover. melanie is cheery. sean is content again. and what bout me? i love someone that doesn't show anything to me anymore... i feel like i've lost everything i ever depended on... i depended on crystal. she left. i depended on chris. i messed it up. i try to start new friendships but i jus end up right where i started. doubting. GOD, i feel like all the happiness i had this time last year jus drifted out to sea...

you kno, i have all this free time on my hands... i planned my schedule in such a way to accomodate work or even a certain someone... anyone... instead, i have those 4 or so days all to me and my thoughts. no matter how much i try to distract myself, i can't help going to bed and longing for more... longing for his arms around me... i don't kno anymore... i can't do anything i used to be able to do so easily... i can't even make a simple wallpaper or anything creative... my mom was suprised to hear me call before 9... and honestly, i didn't even think about my minutes because it's not like anyone calls me anymore... and it's not even like i have anyone to talk to either... *sigh* i'm just a leaf drifting on this river... trying to chase after the happiness that was cast away so long ago...

you kno what hurts the most? EVERYTHING i see reminds me of him... EVERYWHERE i go, i think back to the days i spent with him... i can't even look at my own reflection...