*sigh* so my big plan has been put on an indefinite hold... freakin roommate... she said that we'll go today, but what does she do? she runs off to go home for the weekend before i even wake up!!! GRR... hopefully it won't take that long for my idea to be completed cuz i kinda want it soon... blah! damn lack of car or friends with cars... or lack of friends actually... haha! =P suckas...

*takes of her mask revealing a face full of tears, sadness, and pain* inside, i'm breaking because of what's going on between us... i don't even kno what is happening and why... every night, after people try to cheer me up, i lay my head down to rest and all the thoughts rush in at once... i look at the pictures on my wall. i think of the first time we met and jus how cute he looked. i think back to the first kiss. back even to the first hug. i think of all our firsts. i remember the night he told me his new year's resolution... what happened... i don't kno... but i do miss him and i love him with all my heart... please god, i hope he still feels the same... i kno in my heart that he does, but i jus need to see/hear it cuz it's been so long...

i slept pretty much the whole day... sleep is my escape from the world and its problems... i don't kno what else to do anymore... i'm knocking on ur heart, please let me back in cuz i've lost the key...

so yea, apparently, people in my dorm notice my negative disposition. someone said that i give everyone weird looks like i hate everyone. heh... makes me feel all bad now... i guess it is my fault that i have no friends here.. *shrugz* i guess maybe i should put up my front and smile more and make it seem like everything's good so that maybe i'll have friends... so that maybe the lonliness that i feel won't be so bad... crap... i do feel bad, cuz it's like they've tried but i never gave them a fighting chance... freakin aye... i'm so close minded... the same thing happened in hs. i chose to not kno people, and that's what happened... until time passed, and i let people in... *sigh* but u kno what? honestly, if all else fails... i still have my friends at home... few they may be... and i still have the love of my life... =\

today was an okay day... slept till 3... got out of bed at 4... took a shower... sat around on my ass until about 7... went to the kaba meeting... long ass meeting too... then to the afterevent. yea, some people were suprised to see me out of the dorm. asses... haha... so yea, the after event was hooters. jus great... haha... the food was pretty good... the sites were umm... less than interesting. haha... ok, that's all... i need sleep...

"You're so special to me.
The thought of you leaving is killing me.
Please, tell me what do I do now?
'Cuz livin' without your love, I don't know how."
tatyana ali - through life alone

another night brought to a closing... while some people prepare to get up and start their day... i lay in bed thinking about u... everything i see when i close my eyes, is u... everything i see when i open my eyes are things that remind me of u... *sigh* i'm missing u...

listen, i know we've had our ups and downs...
our fights, our good times, and our bad times.
but through it all, nothing compares to the way i love you.
so baby, let's stay in love.
let's stay in love.
let's stay in love.
let's stay together.
let's stay devoted.
let's stay forever.
let's stay in love.
let's stay together.
let's stay, let's stay in love.
listen, [boy], i must confess
that you are the best i've ever had in my whole life.
and i believe that love just wouldn't be complete
without you here beside me to guide me
through whatever comes my way.
and i wanna say...
let's stay in love.
let's stay together.
let's stay devoted.
let's stay forever.
let's stay in love.
let's stay together.
let's stay, let's stay in love.
[baby], i've never known a love before.
and then you went and made it clear to me.
and i wanna thank heaven above for placing you beside me.
you're the [king] of hearts in my world.
i'll be the [queen] of hearts to you [boy].
with our love, we can conquer anything.
let's stay in love.
let's stay together.
let's stay devoted.
let's stay forever.
let's stay in love.
let's stay together.
let's stay, let's stay in love.
stay with me...
- Blackstreet - Let's Stay in Love

u kno... i thought that i could go my four years here without having a single class with the bastard ex bf, but unfortunately, who's face did i see once i walked into that building this morning? yep, his. ha... well, being the immature one that he is, he waits until everyone goes in so he can sit as far away from me as possible... unless that was jus coincedence. oh well... =P

i have this big idea that can't be put into action because i lack a car!!! grr... and this idea can't be done with my cousin... i need someone with a car... dangit... my roommate is busy this week with tests and what not; so the earliest i can do it with her is friday... oh well, we'll see... but it's well worth the wait. *cheeses*

crys has come back to me! lol... ok, jk... but yea, things are pretty okay now with her... my mom received my grades in the mail. d'oh! hahaha... but she's okay with it... i got $180 this weekend. $100 from my godfather and $80 from my mom... too bad it's pretty much gone now... woops... i bought a muvo tho!!! yaaaaaaaay muuuuvooooo! ;P i also got the aaliyah cd/dvd. sadness... it's a good cd tho.

last weekend, i was in LA for my grandma's 90th bday. at first, i wore a skirt and a girly top. i walked down the stairs when all of my family there, and u kno what all the comments were??? "wow, she's a girl!" "wow, so she can look like a girl!" "who's that girl? adrienne! wow." sheesh guys, i don't dress that much like a boi... GRR... and it was the first time they saw me wear makeup... lol after a while, i changed from the skirt to jeans... then later i changed the top to a tshirt with a long sleeved white shirt underneath. back to normal. =P i'm a girl dammit!!!!!!!!! tho, i don't act like the typical girl, but i like it that way. and i doubt that i'll ever be that forever 21/charlotte russe everyday with heeled shoes wearing girl... nuh uh buddy.

i miss him... sometimes i feel the tears coming because i simply miss seeing his face or even hearing his voice in person... i hold my pillow close and tight at night wishing that one night i'd wake up with him in its place. why can't i jus be with him and not here... well, i'll keep my head up and hold back the tears until the next time i see him. then all i'll have is a smile on my face knowing that i'll always have his love. i love you chris. u brighten up my life.

so last night was kinda restless for one reason: my roommate's freakin alarm clock. OMG... that girl hit snooze every single time... but u kno, it usually goes on for at most an hour for normal people. but nOoo... this went on for HOURS... all night... from like 3am until like 10am. ARGH! it was so bad... i was tired during the day. boo on that alarm clock. =P

Yahoo! News - Calif. Fraternity Brawl Leaves One Dead
San Jose State fraternity members brawl; one dead
freakin asian frat guys... "It's so sad because they're college students. You'd think they'd be above this." - Catherine Unger of the san jo pd

i hate my past. i hate having been with joey. i hate having met miguel and alex. i wish i never had findapix up cuz it gave me more problems in a way. i also hold a strong dislike for rolando. overall, i wish that things with chris were like how they are now back when i first met him those few years ago. i don't even think i would've been with joey, or it would've been right after him, before the real problems started. i wish i could go back in time, and stop myself from allowing miguel to spit his game. that's where it all began. a slow decline into the life i led my junior year in high school. majority of senior year was okay because i was with chris, but after that... things went all downhill again. i messed with people's hearts. i did some things i wish i could take back. i feel bad for everyone i hurt in my process of self-discovery. i'm sorry. behind that external disguise, my heart knew what it wanted, but refused to make it completely obvious. all i truly longed for was chris back, but i took the wrong steps and the long way to get it. i fooled myself into believing that i could live without him, that i could find someone that could compare and could take his place. but no one exists that can compare to him or ever take his place. i wish i knew that from the beginning. oh well, what can i do... i guess everything made me stronger. i kno what i would be missing if i ever lose chris, so i'm gonna give my all in order to never let that happen again. i love him too much to let go. i never want to lose him again. forever may be a lot, but i want that. i'm sorry chris for my past, but i'm giving u my future. i'm truly devoted to chris, and couldn't see myself with anyone else. i love him. who love chris? adrienne loves chris. i do. i do. i doOoo... =P

How did we end up here?
Didn't we say goodbye?
I guess it took breaking up
To make us realize
How did we end up here?
I thought we couldn't work it out?
It seems the circle of love
Brought us back around
B4-4 - "How Did We End Up Here?"

*yawn* i'm up early. i would be in class right now if the TA showed up on time... i woke up at 8:30 to go to class at 9. i sat in that room for 25 minutes waiting... boo on her. i'm gonna go back to sleep in a lil bit.

well, i haven't updated for a while. i'm trying to think of a new layout for this too, but this time with graphics. we'll see what develops cuz i have a few lil projects to do. i have to make some collage thing for my mom, a new wallpaper, and jus lil other things i want. dang i'm tired... let me tell you about my weekend. well, i went to LA with my cousin to see the other side of the family [dad's side]. we left friday night. the visit wasn't so bad. there was a family gathering on saturday for one of my uncles[?] that was going back to the philippines. it was weird being with a whole lot of people that i didn't really kno that are family. i was a lil uneasy, so i stuck to my cousin jett. later, i hung out wit my younger cousin robert also playing video games. i also chased him around the house with a dart gun. hehe... that was fun. robert called me a "guy with boobs." great. haha... i'm not sure if that's good or bad, but i'll go into that in a lil bit. next weekend, i'm gonna be in LA again for my grandma's 90th birthday. i have to be slightly more dressy than normal. my mom is also goin to LA, my brothers too. joy. my dad too! hahaha... oh man... this is gonna be jus splendid.

"guy with boobs" - makes u think that i can be every guy's best friend. i'm a girl who likes cars, videogames, etc. interesting. u kno what tho? i wouldn't want it any other way. girls that are jus too much like typical girls are just plain annoying. i think that explains why i get along better with guys than girls. blah... it's a kind of negative thing tho when u're trying to find roommates or something. oh well. i like being the one that chris can jus click with about anything. =]

i miss chris a whole freakin lot. i can't wait until i see him next, but i don't kno when that will be. i want it to be soon, but i don't think it'll be for another month. *sigh* i guess we'll jus have to be patient. i love you chris. i'll never leave ur side. u still brighten up my life.

[my counter was at 4444. hehe... cool. =P]

u kno how in Lilo & Stitch, stitch wants to find somewhere that belongs? well, in a way, i feel the same way. i don't have my own group of friends that i can jus click wit. i don't have a social lifestyle that i really fit it. there is no music culture that really suits me. i'm a loner in this big world. i'm a freak! mua hahahaha... it didn't really bother me as much before because there was one person that was jus like me with that... but where is (s)he? who knows where that person went. i'm jus waiting for that person to jus say a simple "hello. you're a dork and so am i. let's be friends again." then everything will be okay. sorta. i'll still be a freak, but at least there would be someone else that would be too. u think i should attempt to make friends here? i probably should. people are starting to notice that i'm anti-social and friendless. ha. adrienne, anti-social??? yes, contrary to popular belief, i can possibly be one of the most anti-social people in all of middle earth (dorms, not lotr reference, tho it is quite a nice lil pun =P ). i have my wonderful chris, really nice roommate sanaz, and my fun cousin jett. i guess i'm set for a while. it'll take a lot before i go completely insane. hehe... u kno what? i do have friends, jus not here. i'd jus like to make that clear. i am not a loser. just a lil lonely down here. =P

well, my mom called last night. mua hahaha... the staying silent worked. so she's not so mad at me, but i jus have to keep changing the subject when she talks about my grades... i jus don't wanna go there.

yesterday was the first day of my class at the uci extension. this class doesn't count for any credit for my school. u're probably asking, "Why the FCUK are u taking it then?!?!" well, i'm asking myself that too. anyway, it's 3 hours long. yes, 3 LONG hours. now, i'll tell u what class this is. it's an intro to digital imaging class. now with that, u'd expect that all of the people would have at least a general knowledge of how a computer works. why oh why did the one that didn't kno jack crap have to sit next to me?!?! oh, and all these people are a whole lot older than me... maybe 30s+. the woman next to me didn't know how to turn on the computer, and she kept clicking around trying to open a program that she already had open. it's a mac for bajeezus's sake!!! yea, so we learned the basics of photoshop. so basically, i could've slept those 3 hours and still had more knowledge about the basics than i did when i walked out. it felt so meaningless. *shrugz* oh well, it keeps me busy. hopefully, i can sneak a way to use aim during class. that would be nice. haha...

things i can't seem to find:
- black baseball cap
- pearl necklace
- rhinestone teardrop necklace

i wonder where these all went... =[

things i want to buy but have no money for:
- a bike
- mp3 player (muvo! ; ] )
- a printer
- new cell phone faceplate
- a ps2 & games

alrighty, i'm running out of crap to ramble on so i'll stop. late.

AirlineMeals.net
can u say "random?"

Martial arts student slain / College student slain in freeway shooting

*sigh* there are no words that i can say to make things seem okay... my heart goes out to everyone that's affected...

i'm feeling better today. not too down, but still missing chris. it's weird waking up without him next to me or coming back from class and not seeing him still sleepin in my bed. *sigh* i won't be able to see him for a lil over a month cuz i don't have another 3dayweekend until mid-feb. oh well, as long as i'm with him, i'm happy. =] i jus hope he was able to get some sleep and stuff. today was his first day of the winter quarter.

i need to buy a bike. it'd be REALLY convenient especially with my classes all across campus. argh. who wants to buy me one? haha... it's official. i am poor. i have about $11 in my back account and about $7 in my wallet. =P damn books...

well, i never got to finish the last entry... oh well... chris left this morning. =\ the past few days have been great, minus one mishap that happened. nothing too interesting to tell. i jus got to spend time with the one who means the world to me. =] good times and memories. i love chris so much. mmmhmm. well, on a more serious note... i jus wanna send out my condolences to ray's family and friends. i wish i could be with chris during this time, but i do what i can. keep ur head up. remember the good times, the memories. it's thru those that he will live on, in ur hearts.

the boyfriend's here. he suprised me tuesday night. =] gotta love that boi. he came wit him best friend peter. pete's stayin in his ex-gf's dorm. due to lack of car and shit like that, things haven't been too interesting, but still fun nonetheless.

she thinks i'm wasting her money. she's mad that i won't show her my grades. she's disappointed that i failed a class. she doesn't think i'm doing enough. she wants me to "help her out" by getting good grades. one quarter down, and what do u think i'm trying to do? of course i'm trying to get my grades up. currently in 2 classes, yes, but it's still 12 units. i don't know what i want to major in. i really have no idea. maybe i should go to a community college... but she won't let me stay at home... i'd have to work, find a place, pay for everything, and go to school. can i really do all that? i don't kno what to do. right now, i really wanna jus go to a community, but i don't think i'd be able to do all that... i don't wanna stay here... i don't know. i don't kno what i want, what i should do, anything.

Friends... what do i look for?

• dependable
  
• honest
  
• trustworthy
  
• has a sense of humor
  
• easy to talk to
  
• TALKS, in other words, someone i can carry on a conversation with
  
• isn't always happy or perky
  
• real, aka NOT fake
  
• interesting
  
• has a life
  
• has some sort of intelligence
  
• uses their talents or is proud of himself or herself a lot of the time
  
• confident and outgoing (doesn't have to be always)
  
• can deal with my bitchin =P
  
• goes against the rules
  
• not perfect (even though they may think they are... hehe)

anyone remember that list? it's from over a year and a half ago... i'm more than grateful for all the friends i have and also for those who have walked out of my life... there's many really good friends that have gone that i miss a lot. i hope they kno who they are. [then again, there are those who i'm happy are gone]

i laugh because its so easy for u to make me
i cry because im so scared that i could lose you.
i smile because i know you love it when i do
i frown only as a joke- because nothing you do has ever hurt me.
i hug you and hold on tight because we are such a perfect fit
i get comfortable in your arms because it is my most favorite place to be.
i wait for you because i know you will come
i come to you because i know you will wait.
i pray for you because your life is worth my every prayer
i live for you because i love you.
i love you because you are what i live for.
- by chantal

blah... iono what to bLog about... well, i have started my classes and such... back to being in the dorm and being more alone than usual... yea, iono what else... so late =P

back at school. joy.