when you were younger, did you ever wonder how that one love of your life would be like? i guess i can't really remember how i imagined him when i was younger, but i do kno how i pictured him after going through the first few boyfriends. i wanted to feel special, almost like a princess. i knew that i was always more than willing to give more than i had for the one i cared about, so i knew that i wouldn't take him for granted. i expected romance, my romeo, u could say. i wanted someone who would tell me that i'm beautiful even if everyone didn't agree. i wanted to be held close even if people were looking. i wanted random messages jus to tell me that he was thinking about me. i wanted to be told jus how much i was loved and how much he cared bout me. i wanted to be able to jus spend time watching tv without getting bored or feeling alone. i wanted to be cuddled and kissed lightly on the forehead jus to show affection. i wanted those lil things that meant a lot. i wanted to be able to give my all to that special one who could do all that i wanted. all i ever wanted is just someone who could show me some affection and romance cuz what else is love supposed to be?

a prize goes to my 10,000 visitor. hehe...

u kno... it's not like i won't already kill myself with my driving alone... but then jus throw in some heavy ass fog and the nighttime, and it's all over for me! jeezus... can u imagine if i'm cryin or hella emotional!?! holy crap... no freakin way... it took a miracle to get me home tonight.

okay, this will be a quality post. i swear! u can bet ur stiff tapioca balls it will be!

well, since nothing's been really goin on in my life the past few days, i made plans with sean, vinh, and winnie for this thursday [yesterday]. it was a day that i most definitely needed. things haven't been goin my way recently, and kickin it wit them jus brightened up everything. the chuk came along too. haha... for a day that jus included two activities: eating and shopping, it was hella fun! oh man... they picked me up at my house around 5:30. my mom was hella harassing me bout them! wtf?!? *nods at the same time* haha... but seriously, she even asked who the other girl was! the thing is tho, vinh has some dark ass tint in the back seats, so i have no clue how she saw her! it's crazy! lol. so without getting lost, we headed over to tk noodle. i seriously love that place, and since no one had been there before, i thought it'd be a good choice. also, sean bein a crazy guy that he is, he jus wanted somewhere that had thai tea. haha... so we all ordered and what not. when our orders came, we all jus kinda looked at the food and wondered what was what. since i knew what i ordered, i knew which was mine. winnie also knew which was hers. vinh and the chuk ordered rice/noodle plates so they knew the last soup wasn't theirs. that leaves sean. the waitress said it was a #9; so i ask sean, "Did u order #9?" he replies, "I have no clue! but this is pretty good anyway." LOL. weirdo! hahahaha... sean swore that the place used to be a cafeteria or something. haha... what's even weirder was that we all sat in the booths the same way we were sitting in the car! haha... i think the guys liked the convenience of having a supercuts right across from tk. lol. after tk noodle, we headed off to stonestown. vinh compared my outfit to feces. thanx vinh! haha... right when we walked into nordstrom, winnie and i were amazed by the sparkly stuff and kinda randomly, sean said, "it smells like old people." LOL. wtf?!?! must've been the perfumes. haha... it's funny when u're walking thru the mall with friends and u don't enter a single store! hahaha... i think we went thru the entire first floor without going in one store! we did stop at eb and the dress store where me and winnie saw the cutest dresses... then we stopped at the food court cuz winnie and i needed to use the potty. when we came out, we only saw sean. so we went over to him and asked him where the chuk and vinh went. he didn't kno. so we sat down in the chairs that were really heavy to sean. while we were waiting, i whispered to sean and winnie, "there's a kid in a lion costume next to us." and what does sean do?!?! he takes out his camera phone and snaps this:

hahahaha... isn't that darling? lol. vinh and the chuk returned and we shared the observation with them. they had pretzels. yum. haha... well, we sat for a lil while, and then we noticed that the "lion" was squatting in a weird position so winnie asked, "what is it doing???" IT?!?! lol. it's a kid! hahaha... funny girl. so after stoppin at the food court, we continued our lil jouney. we went to the gap where all of a sudden i saw sean walk past me exclaiming, "Dammit!" so i asked him what's up, and he said, "They have something i want." o_O hahaha... ok! then we stopped at aeropostale and headed back to the parking garage. fun times! haha... we then headed on back to my place. as we were jus chillin in the living room, they all were staring at the "cat tent." ok, if u haven't been to my house in a while, there is a bright green tent in the middle of the living room that my mom bought for the cats. it can fit one small person if u tried. *ahem* yes, hahaha... and no, the chuk, it's not for midgets or small people. it's for pets. =P so we kinda jus chilled for a while while i got directions to sean's friend's place in the city cuz he wanted to get dropped off there for a lil "gathering." so i got the directions and what not. sadly, winnie changed her mind so she wasn't goin along but instead would head home with vinh and the chuk. so we all headed off. i said my goodbyes to the chuk, vinh, and winnie. good times guys. sean and i began our lil journey to the marina part of the city. it was gonna be a fun one. haha... so i take the exit and go the way i'm supposed to except that i believe i missed a turn somewhere. during this time, sean and i were talkin bout some deep stuff. haha... anyway, so i see one of the streets we were supposed to be on so i turned on it. everything seemed perfectly fine and dandy until i saw this sign. "Sharp Crest." so i thought to myself... sharp crest? like in a wave? haha... oh man... next thing i knew, we saw ourselves on top of the freakin world! hahaha... if u've ever been on drop zone, it's jus like that! divisAdero!!! hahahaha... it was like a rollercoaster! i did not almost kill us!!! hahahaha... so when sean and i finally figure out the general area of this guy's place, we tried to see the numbers. now tell me why there are no numbers on any of those buildings!!! also, sean is like blind or something... hahahaha... he was useless! so as we were driving, we saw some guy standing on the corner. and since neither i nor sean could understand the directions to this guy's place other than on the corner of "something" and "something." we thought maybe it could be him. sean mentioned it first, and i had no clue. so what's the first thing that comes to mind? highbeam him so we can see better! lol... funnnnneeeeeee.... so yes, this guy's name is chris and the first thing he asks is, "how'd u guys end up on that street?" hey, u've got me buddy. lol. i was quite cracked out tho cuz of the fun lil drive down divisadero! we past by the palace of fine arts which is so freakin pretty at night! i've never seen it in person, and omg! i wanna go there one day. anyway... haha... we also passed by the marina. so yes, we come to the place where i was to park. this takes quite a while cuz i was quite cracked out. lol. oh man... we walk into the guy's place, and it's really nice and a hella nice area! sean and chris played their lil "barbie doll" fighting game. hahaha... seriously! they spent more changing their fighters' outfits and hair than actually fighting! virtua fighter... PSsH... more like Virtua Dress Up! hahahaha... so i kicked it there for a while as sean played in that lil pink and purple outfit with mr.raccoon against chris. hahaha... another one of their friends stopped by, but it was time for me to go. so i was sure to get directions, and headed on my way. it was a lot easier getting home. PHEW. haha... i wasn't as cracked out at least. haha... so yup, i got home and watched the disappointing vmas. hehe... at least it was a very cool night. =]

man... my webpage is actin weird on me... i can't view it for some reason! maaaaaaaaaaaannnn...

this shirt is jus so me!

i think everyone should take a few moments and write an actual letter email to someone today. it'll make that person's day a lot brighter, hopefully. well, that depends on what u write, but yes... do it! =]

*yawn* i've been so braindead recently... i don't even kno what's been gettin to me recently... i don't even kno myself right now... blah... i'm really broke too... so yes, donations, please...

crazyness... i have one fat phone bill headed my way... and btw, does anyone kno if true had their big sale yet?

I WANT!!!

holy flying shit balls! it jus hella started downpouring. CRAZY! u kno, usually, i'd be all happy bout thunder, lightning, and rain, but not today!!! chris jus washed my car today!!! dammit... couldn't even enjoy my car's beauty for a few hours... bastards! also, i jus washed my mom's car too... creepin aye... =P

yes... like mary... i'd like to say...
Father, forgive me, for i have friendstered... shame on me...

chantal's roommate's name is HELLA FUNNY... okok... here it is...

Mercedes Binns

muahahahaha... i think it's quite clever! =P

name that animal!

once again, i'm online late at night. and i'm the only one on and not away or idle!!! why? i don't really kno...

i've realized that i'm a lil too apathetic. gotta work on that. now on to why i wanted to post...

well, with dominic movin back to irvine tomorrow, i started thinking bout how it's gonna be when i move back down. i don't even kno man. this summer has been kick ass! i've made/strengthened a number of friendships that i can only hope to keep for a lifetime. ok, i rant a lot bout my friends... but u get the idea. it's really hard for me to find trustworthy friends. especially since i'm too trusting... then i get kicked in the ass for it...

everyone is starting school soon... well, with the few exceptions... i'm coming to that point where i learn that summer is slowly coming to an end. in a month, i'll be in irvine again. at least this time i'll kno what to expect. then again, there's still room and time for change. i don't wanna go! and yet, i couldn't be happier that i chose irvine over other schools closer to home. with a mom like mine, love her i do, but still... i don't understand how some people are able to put up with their parents?!? there jus comes a point when people need to start up their lives on their own and grow up a lil. my mom and i are glad that we've got some separation now. we would've killed each other by now. seriously tho, i've learned so much being on my own. now, i'll have my own apartment and have to pay rent on my own. crazy responsibility. i kno i can do it, but can u? hehe... i kno u can. i believe in u. =]

gnite guys.

my musical taste has been mostly hip hop for the past few months, but jus recently, i've been gettin into that emo again. with that said, please recommend some songs!!!

Congratulations, you're San Francisco, the city of change.
What US city are you? Take the quiz by Girlwithagun.

am i really this bored?

oh yea, on this beautiful day, i was outside gettin wet, hot & bothered... OoH yeaaaaa baby. i was washing my mom's car. lol. i showed her the license plate frame i bought her for her bday too. it's damn saucy. her car is bomb man! oh yea, my car is way past due for a wash/wax and a new pair of windshield wipers. like i asked before, is anyone feeling generous?

so yes, it's about 1:45 am and i was channel surfing as usual... and jus out of CURIOUSITY i came upon cinemax and it was the credits to some cheesy softcore pRon or something i assume cuz of the two topless girls in egyptian garb dancing in the background plus the adult tag next to the title on my digital cable listing... anyway, in the credits, i saw the name kaila yu. interrrresting. she played a waitress. don't really kno what the story was in this lil "movie" so yea, can't tell u more. jus thought i'd share that with the INTERWEB. actually, kinda brings me into a new topic... since i am watching 40 days and 40 nights right now. it's an intriguing idea. why are guys such horny mofos?!?! haha... k, that's all for tonight...

this member of the Lords of the Bling, aka Master of the ScratchX, needs a large number of new microfiber towels. who's in the giving mood? hehe...

well, after writing my first real entry on xanga, i decided to write an real update on my main site. =]

the 10 day east coast trip was, on a scale from one to five (one being lame, and five being great), i'd rate it at about a 3.5. hehe... i got to see a lot of interesting tourist spots in new york, washington d.c., philadelphia, and baltimore. everywhere we went had a ton of security! i remember when i went to d.c. back in '98 with my 8th grade class, there was like barely any security! crazyness. fun times tho. chinatown in new york was freakin bomb! how could it get any better? shopping where u can negotiate the price and not have to pay tax! awesome. haha... luckily, i got my ass out of new york the day before the big ass blackout. can u imagine if i got stuck in the subway?!? shizzz man. that would've sucked big fat whale penis. lol. the subways in new york are hella useful. i wouldn't drive in new york if i lived there. hell nah sucka. i realized that a lot of the people on the east coast are hella rude! especially the white folk. not to offend or generalize people, jus explaining what i experienced. servers at restaurants weren't the best most of the time and jus like people we would encounter on a daily basis jus gave us some weird attitude. oh well, didn't bother me too much. jus irks me when people act better than me when they really aren't.

since the east coast trip, my days have been pretty boring. people have started school, so not a lot of going out for me anymore. *sigh* oh well, i'll manage with whatever i can get. i'm a trooper. haha. u kno what feeling i hate? i hate feeling unappreciated. i wish someone would make me feel special again. at least i have stuff to do almost every day for my mom. i like the lil chores or errands she gives me. they're like mini-missions for me to accomplish. or i'm jus really bored at home and glad to have an excuse to go out. haha... also, when i do all these things for her, i kno i'm helping her out and showing that i'm thankful for what she does for me. =]

i guess that's all for now. there are a few of u out there that'd i'd like to kick it at least one more time with before i go back to the OC. hehe... i hope u kno who u are. call me up cuz i'm bad at calling people... =\ kk, gnite dear interweb.

happy nineteenth birthday mike!!!
u're the coolest, buddy. =] hope u have a good one.

i'm back. i'm alive. i'm updating. now go away!!! jkjk... =P

i am currently at my cousin's house in san jose. the drive down here in traffic wasn't too bad. well, as of 6am tomorrow morning, i will be on my way to maryland until the 18th for my cousin's wedding. hopefully, the weather won't be as bad as i expect it to be. my mom decided to bring my car here cuz she'd rather risk my car sitting here instead of hers. sheesh... oh well... not much left to say but byebye and have a good 9 or so days without me! ok, not too much fun guys... =P

chrisna has this to say about the previous entry i made, and the events that have taken place since then:

a wise man told me to not argue with fools, cause people from a distance cant tell who is who...

people shouldn't take things out of context, or assume, cause u know how the saying goes, u'll just make an ASS out of U and ME...

just remember u reap what u sow...

sometimes i think people mistake anger for guilt... ask urself...is YOUR CONSCIENCE CLEAR!?!

oh how to put my current thoughts into words. what to say? how to react? my mind is screaming out WHAT THE FUCK. i jus don't kno what to say, seriously. a part of me wants to laugh in ur faces but another part wants to talk about it. i jus don't kno. i still find it funny how the internet is so informative. haha... the web we weave indeed. i jus love the friends i HAD.

today was in more ways than one... great. i got to hang out wit marcia yesterday for dinner and then today to chill at her house and adore her artwork and whatnot. i'm gonna help her get some of her stuff on shirts. can anyone help me out? anyway, that was fun. good times indeed. i've missed that hootch. after kickin it wit her and her family, i headed off to chris's house. nothing too exciting as usual but today jus seemed nice. the weather was really good, and chris and i went on a lil drive down 280. we ended up in san jose. craziness. it was great tho jus sitting admiring the scenery and all of nature's goodness holding the hand of my wonderful chris. today i was happy. =]

so what does it take to make me happy? not much i suppose. the company of my significant other and of friends. a comfortable environment. a full tummy. a pretty day. i'm satisfied with those pretty much.

my mom emailed me a thank u card. it made my day complete when i saw it. she was thanking me for vacuuming the house and for running her errands. u kno what tho... if it weren't for her errands, i wouldn't have very much to do everyday. i'm jus glad my mom and i are at a balance right now. it feels good in my heart to kno that she's okay.

i'm so crazy in love. if u didn't already kno. ;]

damn... yesterday and today were BLAH. i missed two parties. dude wtfF?!? haha... seriously tho, i missed mara's bday extravaganza [she's my secret lover. shhHh..] on friday. then saturday, i miss pete's big party #2. dammit! oh well i guess. can't do anything about it now except grovel in my own self pity. HA HA. like i'll do that. yea, i probably will.

there are two new links to my site. please welcome mike and chrisna to the evil place on the web that i like to call xanga. damn you mike & chrisna! you xanga whores and friendster cult members!!! =P

there are no words to describe this song. i love it...

we're all born into this river without knowing how to swim,
and eventually, we learn how to keep the water under our chins.
sometimes this river is so cold to be in
freezing my soul, solidifying my skin.
regardless of how far i see, i never see my travels in.
we're carried by the current, being driven by the wind.
the scenery we pass, we'll never see again;
so we store it up as memories and don't let go of them.
we're under a spell, thinking that the river should go straight.
he said, "holds and desire to control our own fate,"
but all the pain we experience as a result of our expectations
because it's the rivers nature to twist and turn.
the shit can burn, and i know it.
i have the same conflict,
but i try to sit and flow with this river's natural process,
and sometimes when i watch myself float downstream,
i see the beauty of it all, and it feels like a dream,
and at that time i appreciate the rivers course,
some part of god, reality, momentum, force.
i stare up at the naked moon, and she stares down at me.
i'll sight false boundaries and all my powers to see.
the universe is not something separate from yourself.
i know you feel alone, but that's why I'm here to help.
i know you feel alone, but just look up at the stars,
and everything that is out there is what you really are.

we gotta learn to see the beauty in each moment of life.
everyone has different pasts and we're seeking the light.
the world is divided between peasants and kings,
but the truth is everybody is looking for the same thing.
now i want you to know
the role you play is part of the whole.
without you it couldn't be, and i mean that with compassion;
so if you ever need anything, i mean anything at all.
i'm here for you; all you gotta do is ask, man.
i'm here for you, in the same way that you're here for me.
each person in an intricate piece of infinity.
i feel that if you could see what i see,
then we as humanity could be free.
i'm here for you, not for any self centered reasons
because existence is interdependent and all related,
connected in its different manifestations of one single mind.
you ain't isolated from the world even though it feels like that sometimes.

i see the hurt when i look into your eyes,
how you struggle to hold it and keep it bundled inside.
it drives a dull blade deep in my heart; it makes me want to cry.
so i offer you a hand to help you wash away the rainy skies.
i'm running out of words, but i haven't yet made my message clear;
so if none of this makes sense, i just want you to know i'm here,
as a musician, as a friend, as a teacher, as a student
to grow and realize that everything is in constant movement;
each problem that we face is just a part of this movement.
it seems helpless, but if we stick together, we'll get through it
and return to the essence from which we've been uprooted
and wake humanity from these illusions.
the second you can look into the sky and see your own reflection,
you know your headed in the right direction.
the river riding always moves, but with it, i live,
and everything is perfect just the way it is.

we gotta learn to see the beauty in each moment of life.
everyone has different pasts and we're seeking the light.
the world is divided between peasants and kings,
but the truth is everybody is looking for the same thing.
now i want you to know
the role you play is part of the whole.
without you it couldn't be, and i mean that with compassion;
so if you ever need anything, i mean anything at all.
i'm here for you; all you gotta do is ask, man.

eyedea - here for you

soOo... who wants to help me make my audition video for mtv's made? hahaha... mtv, can u make me into a bgirl? hardee har har... then the next step is kaba modern! EL OH freakin EL.