i believe it's about time for a new quality entry... so here goes...

so, 2003 wasn't the best year to say the least. it was full of ups and downs, but i'm hoping to end it on an up... currently, i guess you could say that i should be one of the happiest people. i have a bf who truly cares bout me and knows how to show it. i'm passing [heh] in school, and i finally have an idea of what i wanna do, major-wise. i also got a job in the mall at sunglasshut/watchstation; so i have some sort of income. yea, things are looking up for me... yet, i still have this deeper feeling that it's not enough... i still do have my money dillemma with my cell phone bill that's hanging over my head [$200+ still needed]... i still do miss a lot of people... *shrugz* i kno that i've gained a lot of good the past few days... so for now, i'm jus gonna try to crack that winning smile and see if i can start healing...

to those lost:
i never meant for all this to happen. i never wanted to lose you. i never wanted to lose your respect. i truly am sorry for everything, but there was no easy way or safe route... i felt what i felt, and it was too late to turn back. i kno that you feel like i'm not that same person anymore... but i am... i'm not heartless. i'm not untrustworthy. i miss you. you were my family and one of my closest friends. i'm still the same person...

there's a few things bout my personality that i've come to realize the past year or so... on the outside, i appear to be all smiles, the happy-go-lucky girl that appears to be so carefree. honestly, i am a pretty happy person usually, and i like being the one to cheer up people. but then there's the other side of me... things don't often get me down easily, but when i do get down... it's hard for me to get back up. i kno there's very few people that really kno what it takes to make me feel better, but it takes a lot from me to actually ask for help or to go to them. i guess it's something even a lot of my friends or exbfs actually don't really get bout me... the depressed side of me. i don't kno if u understand that, but yea... don't think i'm a manic-depressive or something... cuz i like being happy. =P

i don't like how people take only one side of the story into consideration when more often than not, there's another sider if not more than jus one. but i understand why it's done... i guess i jus wish someone asked me what happened or what i thought... but it's too late now cuz i'm starting to get over it... it's REALLY hard, but i have to do this for myself...

uci is a totally different experience for me this year. it jus seems like so many things are different. i'm happier this year than i was last year. i'm grateful for everything i have. academically, school will always be school, but maybe i'll actually grow interested in what i learn. my social life is pretty different, tho. i'm not a big kaba-head anymore. it's not the same anymore... outside of kaba, tho, it seems like i've finally found some really great friends [mara, marsa, dom, gene, greg, NorCal crew, etc.]. i'm happy with that. i'm still not that partyer, and i doubt i'll ever be. my roommate is kick ass and coo to chill wit in the apartment. my life with my mom is going so well. *knock on wood* i'm glad. overall, this is a better experience than last year, so far. =]

last weekend was one of my better trips home. i spent time with the significant other. i saw two of my best buddies in concord. my cousin's wedding was fun, and i'm glad i was a part of it. it was a good weekend with family and friends. i guess what makes it good was the fact that there wasn't any bad. i've been having a few too many bad times recently; so it felt good to actually have a drama-free weekend.

well, my entry of random-ass thoughts should come to an end now or else i'll never stop... so i'll write again soon... even tho it seems like my page is dying slowly... *shrugz* oh well...